How To Be Happier Online

I’m going to impart some fresh unasked-for life advice, because I’ve found how you can have a happier life online. 

Aside from the standard advice of avoiding the Daily Mail website because it affects your mental health, there’s one particular website which should be avoided.

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I am, of course, talking about Pinterest. 

In essence, Pinterest’s insidious evil is virtually the same as the Daily Mail’s; it has same power to undermine your self-confidence and self-worth. Pinterest will have you sat there for hours, fermenting in your pyjamas with unwashed hair, pinning picture after picture of delicately arranged plates of food, beautiful bright airy homes, sculpted bottoms and toned midriffs, simple craft projects and no-bake cakes.

What’s running through your head as you pin? “I WILL, I CAN, I’LL USE ALL OF THIS! THIS IS AMAZING INSPIRATION! THIS WEBSITE IS THE KEY TO UNLOCKING THE REAL ME!”

It seems so good at the start- all pretty, foody and lovely. So many interesting ideas! So many projects! Soft pastel tones. Vintage. Cute handwritten fonts. Gorgeous women. Teacups. Boys who bulk in the right places (MUSCLES, you fool.) Diamonds, gems, lace. Heart-shaped marshmallows. Models strutting along grey inner-city streets in sharply tailored outfits, or posing up a tree while barefoot with a man’s white shirt, rolled up jeans and tousled bedhead hair. Embroidery. ‘Reclaimed’. Lavender Earl Grey Iced Tea Lattes. Lots of melted cheese. Mason Jars. Bunting. Chocolate. Pinecones. Typographically overwrought inspirational meme phrases, printed and framed. Cookies with cookies as an ingredient. Burlap. Celebrities laughing. AW 2015, SS 2016. Geometric jewellery. Eating clean. Cake. So much fucking cake.

You pin recipes, hairstyles, outfits, wedding cakes and wedding dresses (I’m not even getting married, where the fuck are these all wedding pins coming from?) There’s workout plans! Spiralising! Fitspiration! Easy games for my fictional, unconceived children!

After a while, you realise. Wallowing in this sea of aspirational inspirational BS doesn’t make you happy. It makes you pissed off and sad.

Pinterest is the stuff you can’t afford time or money to make. If you do try, it’s more than likely going to go wrong. Hairstyles that end up looking like an intricate pubic sculpture. Interior design that would never work in most of our homes, because we don’t live in some huge barn-like space. Oh what’s that? You can have your things custom built to fit your tiny home space? Get a fucking grip. Trim, athletic bodies you’ll never have. Clothes you’ll never buy. Food you’ll never make. I BET YOU DON’T EVEN LIKE ZUCCHINI COURGETTE.

Pinterest breeds envy, then guilt that you’ve not tried hard enough to get all those lovely things these other people have. It hammers home, over and over, the things you could and SHOULD be doing. If only you only did a 10 minute workout every day, YOU could have a beautiful peachy backside too. It’s your fault if you don’t. See what you could be achieving, if only YOU JUST TRIED HARDER WITH YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE LIFE. If only you were just a bit better. 

In summary, I don’t like Pinterest. 

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