Every few years when someone asks for a CV, two things occur to me:
- Shit, I haven’t updated my CV since 2008.
- I can do loads of stuff that doesn’t fit on a CV.
Therefore, I propose a new section for a standard CV template. Let’s do away with “Interests”. Truly, no-one gives even a teeny-weeny shit that you enjoy “movies, going to gigs, socialising with friends and reading”. It’s like saying you enjoy “eating, sleeping and respiration.”
BORING. BORING. BORING.
Let’s get another heading in there to better showcase your mad skills as a human being. Just a general “list of things I am good at.”
I’ll get the party started – here’s 20 things I’m quite good at and probably can’t put on my CV:
1. If someone has stirred my tea with a spoon that has been in sugary tea, I ALWAYS KNOW. And I’ll let you know that I know. Don’t bother trying to sneak it past me, it’s just unacceptable.
2. I can fall asleep within two minutes of my closing eyes. When I’m really pissed, I can fall asleep without closing my eyes. I can also dribble without being asleep. I’ve not yet figured out how to monetise these skills, but I’m sure there’s something out there.
3. I can dispose of a cat-mauled dead mouse without screaming. In fact, I like looking at their little mousey faces before I give them a viking burial in the toilet. Bye!
4. Being able to taste the difference between diet cola and normal cola, then making you take my whiskey and normal cola back to the bar, because either they gave you the wrong drink or you asked for the wrong drink. SHAME ON YOU EITHER WAY.
5. I’m REALLY good at having a stupid name. Proud to be a gigantic typo, I wear my squiggly red Microsoft Word line with pride.
6. Frying eggs. (Look. You only need a low/medium heat, then let your dippy eggs reach peak perfection slowly, like foreplay performed by a consummate lover.)
7. Wielding hair straighteners heated to 185oC, inches away from my beautiful head and RARELY burning my ears. Rarely.
8. Knowing when I’m going throw up and making it to the loo, OR having a ‘tactical’ to ‘clear the decks’.
(The only time in recent memory that this skill has failed me was on a bus; I was coming home from the pub, pissed as a fart, when an old man shat his pants. The poo stench quickly filled the lower deck. Stuck in traffic, windows were ineffectual. A foolish teenager tried to cover the smell with Impulse body spray. I disembarked and was sick between two parked cars outside a man’s house, he offered me some water after he’d stopped laughing.)
9. I am VERY good at laughing very loudly. If you ever need a laughing voice-over (laugh-over?) then call me. Just give me a little snifter and I’ll find everything funny as this gif:
10. Making fezzes for cats.
11. Drawing cocks everywhere.
12. Knowing more about 80s trivia than someone born in ‘85 should. I don’t remember what I wore yesterday but thanks to working for Absolute 80s, I do remember that Gary Numan is actually 13 days older than Gary Oldman.
13. Not being superstitious.
14. Being really, really, ridiculously good at kissing. The reviews are always spectacular.
15. Doing shitloads of fucking excellent swear words, all the fucking time.
16. Applying eyeliner without a mirror. I mainly aim to smear enough black stuff around my eyes to stop people telling me how tired I look, then job’s a good’un.
17. Making a very good slow-cooked steak hotpot. (Be a monster, always add more meat than the recipe suggests.)
18. Being louder than the karaoke machines in most karaoke venues. A privileged few have felt the full force of my Bonnie Tyler, it’s really not to be fucked with.
19. I can pack a Bag For Life perfectly, Tetris-style and at speed to avoid mangling my groceries. Do the thing properly; don’t plop your two litre vat of fizzy pop on top of your tomatoes. Don’t make me hate you. I nearly shouted at someone in Lidl for their terrible bag packing at the weekend, why would you mash the crap out of food YOU JUST BOUGHT?
20. Speaking of food, I may run out of milk. I may run out of butter, bread or eggs. I might even run out of crisps.
…But I never, ever, EVER run out of alcohol.
What CV-worthy things are you good at? Tweet me if you like: @Llia